What was intended...

Today is my idea of the perfect fall day.  It's cooler, but not so cool as to be uncomfortable.  It's rainy, but little more than a drizzle.  The leaves have changed colors, but haven't yet faded to brown.  

It occurred to me this morning that I am approaching my one year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  Last year, the week of Halloween I was in so much pain but none of my doctors could find a reason.  I had been on multiple antibiotics and was beginning to treat my pain with narcotic pain medicine.  Still, no one knew why.

Little less than two weeks later I woke up in a recovery room with my husband by my side, rubbing my hand, and a doctor whom I do not know and can barely remember saying to him, "I don't know if they'll want to do Chemotherapy or not."  Although I was in a dense fog of anesthesia I remember the incredible sinking feeling I had.  My thoughts ranged from, "It must be bad if they don't know if they'll want to do chemotherapy or not," to "I am not going out like this!"  That is the moment I look back on fondly because I realized my "fighting' side" was coming out.  I may go down, but by goodness not without a fight!

I think of Joseph, who's brothers sold him into slavery.  He said to them, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done."  Genesis 50:20

This is how I feel about my cancer.  It was intended to harm me, but God intended to use it for my good.  And I believe that He has. I believe I see things more clearly now.  I definitely live life more freely now.  And I have learned to let go of things that do not matter.

The thing is, each of us has an opportunity every single day to find something that was meant to harm us; words spoken, actions taken, opportunities wasted.  All of these things can be meant to cause us hurt or harm, but if we choose to, we can allow these things to be used for our good.  

We are approaching the start of November and the Thanksgiving season.  I am so thankful I can look back at this past year with gratitude and grace instead of regret and remorse. 

The memories aren't always easy or fond.  Somedays they still bring me to tears.  To be truthful, there are even moments when I fear the cancer will return.  It's in those moments I remind myself of Joseph's words, "What was intended for my harm, God used for my good."  

Only By His Grace,


Billie