When my spirit grew faint within me...

"When my spirit grown faint within me, it is you who watch over my way." Psalm 142:3

Today was the first day I've been to the chemotherapy infusion center since mid-March. I've seen my oncologist a few times since my surgery, but not yet to the infusion center.

When you have a medi-port, it is necessary to have it flushed with saline every 6 weeks to keep it functional. Today was my first saline-flush. As I sat in the waiting room I casually browsed the web on my iPad. When the pager went off for me to move to the infusion center, I simply got up and went.

The nurse greeted me at the door as she always did, took my weight, my blood pressure, my temp and chatted with me about my hair cut. All of this was normal. Then we turned the corner to the infusion chairs and as I sat down, my heart sank. I looked across the hallway at the beds...the beds I spent those long seven-hour long infusions lying in. And my heart began to pound so loudly I was certain everyone in the room could hear it.

I fought back tears and a flood of emotions. I remembered with brilliant clarity the first day I toured this room; the day I came in for my chemotherapy education. I remembered the metallic taste I would leave with after the long days of Cisplatin and Gemzar. I remembered the absolute fatigue and the absolute nausea. I remembered the fear of the unknown.  It was all I could do to hold back the tears and keep myself from running from this place.

But the sweetest thing happened. I also remembered how the Lord sustained me through it all. I remembered His grace was sufficient. I remembered the peace that passed all understanding. I remembered how gracious He has been to spare my life.

Psalm 142:3 says, "When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watch over my way." Many were the days when my spirit and my body grew faint within me, but with every step the Lord watched over my way. He strengthened me when I was weak. He encouraged me when I was hopeless. He granted peace in my chaos.

Today, He was gracious enough to allow me to remember - and to allow me, once again, to be thankful for all He has done.

I never want to grow forgetful of where He has brought me from. If He has to continue to bring back the pain and remind me of the fear to keep me grateful, I will gladly remember.

My God is truly faithful, lest I never forget his never-ending grace.

Only By His Grace,

Billie