Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Finding Life...



Last week I was looking through some photos, wanting to update some pictures in frames, and I came across a few from last year that pierced my heart.  I came across this one and thought, "this is what life would have looked like without me."  As if there was a space once filled that would now be empty; as if a family of four would be reduced to three. Memories would be made without me, photos taken without me; life would go on.

There were pictures taken throughout the year that seemed unfamiliar to me, as if I hadn't lived those moments at all.


This photo was taken at Thanksgiving.  I had just received my port that week, and boy was my body sore.  Still, I woke up at the crack of dawn, rather before it, and stuffed the turkey, put it in the oven to roast, put a few sides together and pretended it was life as usual.  I tried not to think that it would be my last Thanksgiving with my kids and my husband.  I tried desperately to be thankful.


This photo was taken on Austin's birthday.  I know this because I've seen other pictures in the series where I was wearing this sweater - at his birthday dinner.  Things at this point are vague, but I remember thinking I might not see him turn 10, that this might be the last birthday I celebrated with him.


As much as I hate this photo, I didn't know it was being taken, I remember the day very well.  We were celebrating Kayla's 13th birthday and I was caught in a moment of thinking that I was watching a life that I wasn't going to get to be part of.  I was fighting back tears and wanted desperately to run upstairs and hide under the covers.



Kayla took this picture one evening...I didn't know she was taking it.  I remember fighting back tears thinking that it was all coming to an end.  That this life I'd built with the man I loved were vanishing before my eyes.  And I wanted to fight desperately to save it.

Matthew 16:24 talks about saving your life.  Jesus said to Peter, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.  What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole words, yet forfeits his soul?"

I had chosen an attitude of submission. I chose to deny myself in the face of almost certain death. If God in his sovereignty had allowed me to walk down this path, then it must be for my good and for his glory.  If this was the path he had allowed me to walk, then I would walk it with as much grace as I possibly could.  And if he chose to take my life, then I would say "nevertheless, not my will but thine be done," even though it pained my soul to the very depths.

For me, taking up my cross meant the possibility of having to lay down my life.  For me, following in faith meant being willing to lose my life for His sake.  For me, fighting to save my physical life but being willing to submit to His greater plan meant that I was willing to forfeit the world but gain my soul.

As sad as the memories are, the outcome is so much greater than I could imagine.  I have learned to find life.  I've learned to let go of things that troubled me and grasp tightly to the things that matter.

I didn't walk away unaltered, but that's ok.  Matthew 18:8 says, "It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire."  If this alteration to my body and to my heart saves me in the end, then it is for my good and for His glory.

In all of this I've learned that gaining a world of peace sometimes means having to surrender your soul. And sometimes losing the world is the best loss of all.  

Only By His Grace,

Billie






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