A perfect peace...

I was thinking this weekend about the peace I've felt throughout my cancer journey.  It's funny to me because now, I feel like I'm an outsider, looking back on someone else's memories.  It's as if I just survived a terrible wreck and walked away...the further I get from the wreckage, the more I can see and I find myself saying, "Wait!  What the heck just happened?!?!?!"

God was so gracious to give me a perfect peace throughout it all.  I knew my chances of survival were slim.  I thought there would be a hole in my family forever.  I knew eventually my memory would fade and lives would continue without me.  But throughout the whole thing I had a perfect peace.  Sadness at times, but peace nonetheless.

It's only now that I find myself waking in the night fearing the cancer will return.  What if it comes back and it's inoperable?  Is this headache sinus or brain cancer?  Is this pain in my leg because I walked 4 miles today or is it bone cancer?  Am I tired today because I stayed up too late this weekend or is there cancer lurking about somewhere in my body?  These questions are normal after an ordeal like this.  Still, in it all, when those tiny moments of fear strike, I still feel a great peace.  I know that whatever happens God is still sovereign and I am in his care.  

I realized all of this over the weekend as I was wasting time on Pinterest.  Oh, Pinterest...the great time evaporator :)  I found myself looking at Christmas decor...

A cute garland...

A bundle of logs for the fireplace...

I realized that last year my thoughts were, "If I die before we take down the Christmas decorations I don't want it to be too large a task for my family."  And, "If I put up all my Christmas trees (we have 13 at last count) will I feel like taking them down in January?  These are not the thoughts of this year!  This year I'm planning where my Santa collection will go.  I'm thinking of stocking stuffers and advent calendars.  This year there won't be a dark and dreadful cloud hanging over our holiday!

I saw this graphic recently and thought it was profound...

"It's not the load that breaks you down; it's the way you carry it." ~Lena Horne~

But as I pondered the weight of the load we carried, and at times still carry, I realized that it's not always the way you carry it, but more importantly whom you allow to help you carry it.

I'm thankful that I was, and am, kept in perfect peace... I'm thankful I have one greater than I to help me carry my load :) 

Only By His Grace,

Billie