I never know when God is going to speak to my heart or bring something back to my memory. I had a follow up appointment with my oncologist yesterday afternoon. A strange but profound thing happened to me while I lingered endlessly in the waiting room.
First of all, it was surreal being there again; being there post surgery, knowing that I wasn't going to be called for an infusion, I wasn't terrified of PET scan results, I wasn't dreading the post-chemo effects of another round. It was as if I were invisible, a mere wisp of who I was before. I knew all that these people were going through and my heart broke for them. I could tell the ones who were responding well to chemo from the ones who were not. I could sense the ones who had just been diagnosed and were equipping themselves for the battle. I could see fear in their eyes and I could perceive determination in their steps.
People respond differently to cancer. That much is true. From the very beginning of my own cancer journey everyone, doctors, nurses, neighbors, friends, everyone told me that perspective was the biggest obstacle and the biggest factor to overcoming the disease.
Whether we battle cancer or simply battle the everyday trials life throws our way, our perspective and corresponding attitude can be the factor that makes us or breaks us. I remind myself almost daily to have an attitude of gratitude. I have not been given a second chance at life to waste it being a grumbler; I refuse to allow my thoughts to focus on the negative. As I fight my way back from neuropathy, I continually tell myself that I will turn a setback into a comeback. Emotionally I have to remind myself to look on the bright side. Physically I have to push myself to reach my goals.
Spiritually I have to make the choice between blessing and cursing.
Deuteronomy 30:19 says this, "See, I have set before your today life and death, blessings and curses. Now, choose life that you and your children may live." NIV.
We are instructed to choose life, to choose the blessing over the curse. We are instructed to choose life over death. What does this mean exactly? Is it merely an attitude or a perspective? I believe so. It may not be easy, but I do believe it can be done.
So many people condemned me for saying that my cancer was my greatest blessing. They didn't understand the heavenly perspective it brought to me. They didn't understand the gifts it gave to me. They didn't understand the grace it allowed me, the forgiveness it brought to me, the peace it afforded me. I could have easily, easily, sat down in my chair in despair, given into the statistics and given up.
Realistically, we didn't know where my cancer would lead us, but it didn't look good. My PET scan showed the tumor to have spread to the second wall of my bladder, and that it had already taken 2/3 of my bladder. It showed that it has probably spread to my lymph nodes. If it had spread to the lymph node system, I had a 22% chance of survival...meaning it was 80% certain that I would die within the year. I could have focused on that. I could have focused on the fear, the pain, the despair. I could have listened to the negative opinions and the worry-warts.
But there was something greater at work within me. I decided that if I only had 12 months, 6 months, or 3 months to live I would live it to the fullest of my ability and I would live every moment to God's glory. I was faced with the decision to choose life or choose death. I was faced with the decision to choose blessing or choose the curse. I chose to see my situation as the blessing.
As I sat in the oncology waiting room yesterday I overheard a gentlemen behind me. He said to his wife, "I hate being here. It reminds me all I've had to go through." I sat there an thought to myself, "Hmmm...being here reminds me of all I've come through."
I remembered hearing the last minute snippet of a minister on the radio last week. He said, "Curses tell us where we've been. Blessings tell us where we are going."
What is your situation today? Will you choose a heavenly perspective? Will you choose life over death? Will you choose the blessing over the curse? The curse reminds you where you have been. The blessing prepares you for where you are going!
Only By His Grace,
Billie
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