1 Peter 1:7 says, "These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold - though your faith is more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." NLT
I guess I always thought that once I finished chemotherapy, I would be refined enough. Or when I had my surgery, I would be refined enough. Or when I recovered from it all, I would be refined enough.
But now, I am in the throws of a whole new battle. I've never experienced nerve pain before, and to think that today marks 6 weeks is almost incomprehensible to me. There are times when the pain is so great that I can do nothing but lie down, apply heat or ice and pray for mercy.
Apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthians and said this, "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raised the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, by your prayers..." 2 Corinthinas 1:8-11 NIV
I can relate to what Paul is saying, even though my circumstance is so much different. During my cancer, chemo and even the early days of recovery after surgery, in my heart I often felt the sentence of death. Even in the peace and with all the faith I could muster, there were moments when, honestly, I just didn't know. Prognosis was uncertain, but statistics showed 22% - 50% recovery rate. I wavered between trusting God for full healing and wondering if I even had one more year left with my husband and sweet kiddos.
Now that I am cancer free and I am recovering well from surgery, I do not feel the weight of the thought of death. However, my thoughts have been consumed as of late with the nerve compression or damage or whatever it is... I have been ultimately consumed with my pain.
Last night I couldn't sleep from the pain. I was reading what Paul wrote. "But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God..." The one thing my cancer taught me above everything else, it was to rely on God. It was easy for me to rely on God.
Now that I'm facing a different battle, one of neuropathy, I find that I am relying more on my pain medicines, my doctors, my physical therapist, my stretches, my ice pack and my beloved heating pad.
Why is this? My God has not changed. He is still faithful. He is still able to heal me of this latest challenge, just as he was able to heal me of my cancer.
The truth is, God wants us to rely fully on him. I fear I have failed to do this. Paul said, "...He has delivered us from such a delay peril and he will deliver us. On him we set our hope that he will continue to deliver us..."
This is where I choose to stand today. When my pain becomes more than I can bear, when my thoughts wander toward fear, and the enemy tempts me to despair, I will remember the one who has delivered me already from a deadly peril, and he will also deliver me from this pain and neuropathy.
What I am ultimately grateful for is that I have a Heavenly Father who sees in me the worth to continue to refine me. I am thankful that he sees the good in this trial. I am grateful that he is willing to allow me to go through this pain, this refining by fire, because he knows that when I come out the other side, my faith will be made stronger.
I am willing to go through whatever he has in store for me, as long as I know it is for my good, and for His glory!
Only By His Grace,
Billie
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