Trusting...

I don't think I've ever been a big truster.  I've never really trusted other people with my heart.  I tend to let people get just so close, and then no closer.  There are only a handful of people in my life that I can say are really, truly close to me.  Only a handful of people  in my life that I think really, truly know me.  Unfortunately, I fear that maybe I transferred that to trusting the Lord as well. 

The journey I've been on these past few months has taken me to a deeper place of trust with the Lord.  There are always certain things I trusted him for; salvation, provision, protection.  Those were the easy ones for me.  But when faced with a life-threatening disease one has to stop and ask the hard question, "Do I really trust God...even in this?"

For me, the first week or so of my diagnosis was filled with this question.  I came to the conclusion that, well, either I trusted God...or I didn't.  He wasn't trustworthy in a few things... He was trustworthy in all things.    

Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not to your own understanding..."  Just as there are certain things we come to know and understand as we grow into adults, there are spiritual matters we come to understand as we grow into mature christians.  But this scripture blew all of that out of the water for me when faced with cancer.

If I was going to survive this terrible ordeal, I had to throw everything I knew out the window...every thing I thought I knew about faith, everything I thought I knew about prayer, everything I thought I knew about hope... and I had to simply trust in the Lord and not in my own understanding.

See, sometimes, all God wants from us is to trust him.  That is why when faced with such a huge obstacle, I was able to lay it all on the line and say, "Whatever God decides to do with me is fine with me...because I found a place where I fully, completely, honestly, sincerely and completely trusted him.  All need to control the circumstance left me, all need to dictate the situation to God left me, all need to say what would and would not happen left me.  When God is in control...there is absolute and total peace - no matter what the outcome.

These past seven weeks post surgery have been a little different for me, though.  I don't know if it's sleep deprivation or the constant pain, but I've not gotten to that place of peace very many times.  Most of the time I can say, "Yes, whatever the Lord has planned for me in this is fine with me."  But unlike when I was faced with death, I don't see a happier ending in the hereafter.  In this situation, if God doesn't choose to heal my pain, I'm simply left with more pain...and that isn't a peaceful thought.

However, there is a place inside of me that has grown in trust over countless situations over the years of my life.  When I wrecked my knee eleven years ago, running was the only thing I had to hold on to for my sanity...when I couldn't run, I though my world was coming to an end.  But that's how I met my friend, Erin, who has blessed me with countless years of friendship. 

Growing up with bladder and kidney dysfunction was always a hinderance to my life...but it ultimately lead to my cancer diagnosis...and saved my life.

There is a place inside of my heart that knows that even in this pain, be in nerve pain or myofascial muscle pain or whatever...God has a purpose in this part of the journey as well.  If God has a purpose in this plan, then it must be designed for my good.  Because all things work together for good for those who love the lord... right?  Right!

In this, as in the cancer portion of my journey, I must trust in the Lord with all of my heart and lean not to my own understanding.  I must acknowledge him in all my ways knowing that in the end he will have directed my path!

Only By His Grace,

Billie