When I found out I had cancer my whole world felt like it was coming apart. Yet, at the same time, I had (and continue to have) the strangest peace. Let me explain. There were moments of fear, moments of worry, moments of panic...but overall, there was (and is) peace. If there are 60 minutes in an hour, maybe one of them is spent in fear. The peace I have is more overwhelming than any fear I have. The fear came in like waves, washing over me until I couldn't breathe, threatening to take the very life from my chest. But just when it became too great, God's peace washed over me like a never ending flood.
I remember the first twenty four hours I was home from the hospital. I read the book of Job over and over again. I read the words of "comfort" his friends gave to him. I read Job's response to them. I read how The Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. And I read Job's response to God. I was overtaken by my own questions: "Why did this happen to me?" "What will happen to my family?" "How will my children remember me?" "I don't want John to be alone..."
And then something happened. Some dear friends, partners in the gospel, called to visit us. They asked how the kids were doing. They came on a Friday night to visit us. They brought cheesecake and blueberry pie. They didn't treat me as if I had been given a death sentence. They simply had coffee and pie with us.
As the conversation turned to my diagnosis, as we knew it eventually would, our dear friend asked if he could read a scripture. We said yes. I was expecting Psalm 23 or Psalm 18, or Psalm 139. But what he read was Psalm 93:
"The Lord reigns, he is robed in majesty; The Lord is robed in majesty and is armed with strength. The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved. Your throne was established long ago; you are from all eternity. The seas have lifted up, O Lord, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves. Mightier than the thunder of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea -- The Lord on high is mighty. Your statutes stand firm; holiness adorns your house for endless days, O Lord."
I must admit that at first I didn't understand why He read that passage. But slowly, over time, as I read and re-read and re-read and re-read and re-read the Psalm it started sinking in. No matter what happens to me, no matter what comes or what goes - God is still on his throne. Nothing can shake him from it. No one can remove him from it. Nothing can change who He is.
Of all the words of comfort I heard over the next days and weeks, these were the words that pointed me to Christ. Please understand, many were the hundreds of people who were praying for us. I am so grateful for every prayer. Many were the cards and letters saying that they knew "all would be well." Each one touched my heart. Phone calls and text messages poured in, each one offering love and hope and holding out a helping hand. I could not have survived without them. I do not discount a single one. These were the hands and feet of Christ to me and my family.
However, this passage was the only one that pointed me to Christ, not just to his blessings. I am thankful, so thankful, for His grace. I am overwhelmed by his mercy. I am humbled by his never-ending love. But I don't want to miss Christ by looking only at the good gifts he gives.
In the end of it all, should my life be called short I can say that when it mattered most my eyes were opened and I could see clearly the things of importance. While on this earth I have experienced God's grace, His mercy and His love. I believe when this is over I will have a healing that I never dreamed. But I am most thankful for these past few months because they have focused my eyes more clearly on God and diverted then from my surroundings.
Jesus told us, "In this life you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." Jn 16:33. For a long time my eyes have been fixed and focused on the "troubles" of this world. This one said this, that one did that, so-and-so didn't do such-and-such. I didn't get what I wanted. I didn't have what I needed...
But the truth is, none of those things matter...not really. Oh, they may seem important for a short time, for a glimpse of a moment...but then, like the wind, they are gone. When we move our gaze from the troubles of this life and fix our eyes on our one true hope, that is when we see things most clearly. That is where we truly find our rest. That is where our peace lies.
Whatever you are facing today allow me to leave you with words of hope and point you to truth. "The Lord reigns, he is robed in majesty; The Lord is robed in majesty and is armed with strength...The Lord on high is mighty."
Only By His Grace,
Billie
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