I have said many times that my cancer, although it has been a great hurdle, has been the biggest blessing of my life. I'm not sure anyone really understands me when I say that. I'm not even sure other cancer survivors understand me when I say that. But suddenly, it's as if I can smell things for the first time, see things for the first time, taste things for the first time, feel things for the first time, experience things for the first time...
This week was spring break for our kiddos, and although money has been a little tighter than usual, we still wanted (needed) a little time away. So we took our kiddos to the Smokey Mountains for three days. We hiked, we toured historic homes and grounds, I cooked in the room, we at continental breakfast :) And every single moment of it was fresh even though we've been going to the Smokey Mountains for Spring Break every single year for eight years.
One morning I got up and went for a jog. I rarely jog on vacations because I'm afraid I'll either get lost, or be eaten by a bear. Considering that we saw a bear the previous day, being eaten was not outside the realm of possibility. However, it was as if the thought that "you only live once" was suddenly a reality. So I laced up my Sauconey and went for a jog. Here is the path I ran. It followed a stream for two miles.
I heard the sounds of the water, the birds in the trees, the wind in the pines... I smelled the dirt, the leaves and the faint smell of oncoming rain. And suddenly I realized what peace actually felt like, actually smelled like, actually sounded like. I had been to this stream before, but I hadn't experienced it like this particular morning.
Last night we took our kids on the same 2 mile path. It rained heavily yesterday morning and the streams were full and roaring. It was spectacular to watch my children play in the water, traipse along the water's edge as we walked the path. It was as if I actually heard the sound of their voices and listened to the cadence of their laughter.
On the way back, I cohered them into taking a picture together. They are beautiful, these children of mine. Two very tangible blessings of God's grace and mercy in my life.
I feel as if I've been to the precipice, stood and stared into the abyss and come back more alive.
I recently saw something that said, "Turn a set back into a come back." In so many ways I feel as if the past few years of my life have been sort of a set back. I think I was so afraid of being hurt again that I shut off my feelings. It was easier to be numb than to be hurt by the same ole things, by the same ole people, by the same ole me...
My cancer story isn't just about my cancer, my treatments and my survival. My cancer story is the beginning of my come back. I feel as if I'm waking up again. I'm loving people again. I'm not afraid of what they may do, or may say, or how they may react. I'm not afraid of people's reactions and I'm no longer worried about earning someone's approval.
I'm hearing again, tasting again, smelling again, feeling again. I'm no longer put out by traffic or long lines at the grocery. I don't care if it takes my laundry an extra 20 minutes to dry or if the lawn needs mowed...again. Because these "inconveniences" are part of the daily story...the things we should be writing in our journals. Sometimes we wait for "memorable" things before we make a memory... when really, sometimes eating spaghetti in a motor-lodge is the memory.
My cancer story is hugely my beginning. And for me, it is by far the biggest blessing of my life!
Only By His Grace,
Billie
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