It's been a few long days since I've posted last. I have had much pain in my upper thigh, lower calf, across my foot and in my toes. All of this is stemming from my L5 S1 joints in my back. I'm not sure what exactly happened in surgery, or thereafter, but I have been in serious pain now for five weeks.
It is nerve pain, and I've never felt anything like it.
Yesterday was very much a testing of my will. I cried more than I have any other day since I've been home from the surgery. I don't have any pain or side effects from the bladder reconstruction surgery at all. All of my pain is from the nerve pain.
My PT is working on me, but I think I'm just looking at good old fashioned time to heal this. In the meantime, I wait.
What occurred to me yesterday, when the pain was so bad, was that I could go through cancer, chemotherapy, surgery and all the uncertainty that accompanied it. I could look at it and say, "If this is God's will for me, I will go through it with as much grace as possible."
But somehow, in this trial, I've lost sight of that... I am consumed with the pain, the exercises, the therapy, the ice packs, the pain meds, the sleeping positions... Somehow I allowed my focus to get shifted from the one who can heal this pain, to the pain itself.
I don't want that to be the case. In fact, a couple of times today, I found myself praying that I would again see this as part of His path for me.
I believe that if he has allowed me to go through this, then there must be something good for me in it. I am willing to go through the pain if it is for my good and for His glory. I don't want it to be in vain.
So I wait. I wait for my nerves to heal and start sending the right signals again. I wait for a time when I can say, "Praise God, he took my pain away."
In the meantime, I wait on a God that has proven himself faithful again and again. He's never failed me before, he won't start now!
Only By His Grace,
Billie
Hi Billie,
ReplyDeleteI am still praying for your full recovery. Love you. I got to. Your my sister in law and we are strung together to that crazy Ross family. Ha, ha. Just kidding. I do hate back/nerve pain For me, it's a firey hot and cold pain that shoots down my rear, thigh and calf. I am thankful that with God's help it does go away. I remember one time I could take no more, I went online to research surgery. I was desperate. The very next morning, God helped me find something I'd never tried before and the pain was gone. He really is faithful. I do want to say that I can't even pretend to know your pain, because like any back pain issues, not one is exactly the same as the other. And on top of that, you've had chemo and surgery. I don't want to bombard you with the, "here try this and thats" because you've probably tried a lot of things already. If you do want to know, I'm here. If not, I'm still here praying for you. Love you.
Marsh