Learning to lean...

"I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.  I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell him my trouble.  When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way." Ps 142:1-3a

Do you know the song Learning to Lean?  It is an old song from my youth.  The chorus says, "Learning to lean, Learning to lean.  I'm learning to lean on Jesus.  Finding more power than I ever dreamed. I'm learning to lean on Jesus."

This is absolutely where I have been these past few months.  I don't voice my complaints very often, but when I do, I voice them to the Lord of mercy.  He already knows my heart, and he my only source of strength.  Voicing our complaints to others seldom brings the result of peace and comfort that bringing them to the Lord gives us.

"When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way."  So many times over this past month my spirit has grown faint within me.  I'm not a very patient person.  I like to get things done and move on to the next task.  

This is not how cancer works, y'all!  Cancer is a slow process.  You wait for results, you wait for doctors, you wait to see if there is improvement.  You schedule more chemo.  You wait for more results... There are days when it's maddening!

But through it all, I am learning to lean on Jesus more and more.  In the middle of it all, I'm finding more power than I ever dreamed.  If you had asked me last year if I thought I could go through this journey, I would have said "no."  I never thought I was strong enough or brave enough or mentally stable enough.  But I am learning that the source of my strength is not my own.

Chemo round four started on Thursday.  Friday was killer.  I was sick, I couldn't eat, couldn't drink.  NONE of the anti-nausea meds worked, even the one the hospital gave me in my IV.  I think I may have taken in a whole 1/2 cup of fluids over the course of the day.  Nearly every sip  made me sick.  

Finally, right before bed I prayed, "Lord, please touch my body.  I need your touch. I cannot go another day like this."  And he answered my prayer!  I woke up during the night to take my meds but didn't need them.  This morning, I'm awake, alert, not sick - I'm even hungry!  And I feel like my old self.  In fact, I usually don't feel this good until about day 5.  I'll take it!

I am blessed beyond measure.  I do not claim this strength as my own.  I know it comes from my Lord.  

In the days to come I know I will continue to learn to lean on Jesus.  He is my only source of strength.  When my sprit grows faint within my, it is He who knows my way!

Only By His Grace,
Billie