The Good:
Last week this time I was good, great, beyond ecstatic. I thought this would be my final round of chemo. I thought this would be my final weeks of nausea. I thought this would be the beginning of healing...I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I saw my oncologist, as many of you know, she confirmed that my cancer is shrinking and that my kidney is draining.
The Bad:
She also confirmed that she wanted to do three more rounds of chemotherapy. How can a person go from ecstatic to utterly distraught in mere seconds? The first 24 hours of this last round were my worst yet. Let's just be truthful. I was nauseous, vomiting, tired beyond words and woeful. Yes, woeful is the best word.
Trouble is, the woefulness has carried with me this week. I can't seem to shake it. In my selfishness I don't want to do any more chemo. I don't want to be tired anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to experience hearing loss anymore, headaches, stomach aches, etc, etc, etc. I want to whine! I want to cry and kick and scream and fight. And I want more than anything for this to be over already!
The Hopeful:
And then, there is a light at the end of the tunnel...or in this case, sunlight streaming through my back window, shining warmly on my face as I lift my head to the heavens and contemplate my Savior.
Since we're being dreadfully honest today, let me just say that cancer makes you think of death. Okay? Okay. Glad we have that out in the open now! Every. Single. Day. You think of the "chances," the "survival rates," the "return rates..." You think of "what ifs" every. single. day. You can't get away from it. It envelopes your brain and won't let go! You think of your own mortality, what you have done, what you haven't done, the time you've spent and the moments you've wasted.
And you find yourself in a place you've never been before. This isn't the flu or pneumonia or morning sickness. This is something you're battling alone - because NO ONE knows how you feel. No one understands because they haven't been through it. Everyone wants to help, but there's nothing they can do because the only thing you want is to live!
That's where My Savior comes again to me. He always meets us where we are, in our moment of need and despair and speaks softly to us when we need it most.
I am getting ready to celebrate my 42nd birthday. Funny how cancer changes your perspective. Last year I would have sworn I was 35 and dared you to confront my lie! But this year, I am proud of my 42 years. I celebrate each one and pray for more to come.
Being 42 years old I realize that I am nearly a decade older than Jesus when he died. He was 33 years old. And my heart is encouraged in the truth that I am NOT alone. I am drawn to the fact that He also faced death at an early age. A death he did not want to face. He prayed in the garden, "Father, let this cup to pass from me..."
Yet, when he knew His Father's will the Bible says, "And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross!" Phil 2:8. I cannot fathom this great love. I cannot grasp how high and wide and deep the love where, "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8.
Let me paraphrase it... While we were sinners, Christ humbled himself by becoming obedient to death on a cross! He became obedient to death. He chose death. No one made him go. No one forced his hand. And although he had all power and authority to command the torture to end, still he hung there. For you. For me. I cannot grasp this great love!
And when it was finished he was buried and rose again on the third day, "giving us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Cor 15:57.
So while my heart has been downcast and my thoughts dark of late, My Savior comes to me in that still small voice, reminding me that I am not alone. He has walked this same path, felt the same despair, pled for his life... and then He died.. to save mine.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YV2zMZ-nZ7k skip the ads if you can...
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon the cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
Only By His Grace,
Billie
Praying in your stead, on your behalf, for His glory.
ReplyDeleteThank you for every prayer. God is faithful. I want to be found joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)
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