The business of becoming less...

This post is difficult for me to write.  I think I've always been a little more active than many, a little more driven than some and a lot more stubborn than most.  That's been a mode of survival for me throughout my life, I guess.  I'm like the energizer bunny...I keep going and going and going - even when I need to slllloooooowwwww down....

I was telling my sweet husband last night that I am feeling less human every day.  When this journey began, we thought I had a blockage in my kidney - a stone, a cyst, something benign... something reparable.  When we left the hospital one month ago today with a diagnosis of cancer, we were shocked to say the least.

I left the hospital with a friend...a nephrostomy.  Because my left kidney doesn't drain into my bladder for emptying, I have a port in my left kidney that drains into a catheter-type bag.  I empty it when I empty my bladder.  I've grown used to it, now, it's second nature.  
I am a little hindered by the tubes and wires, but not so much that it keeps me from doing what I normally would do - I even went for a jog a few days ago.

Last Tuesday, I received my chemo port.  It is a one-inch port they surgically implant under your collar bone, near your heart.  It takes approximately3 stitches to seal it up, and it leaves a big bump under your skin.  It stays tender.  I'm not getting used to this new friend as quickly.  It is sore and boy does it hurt when you bump it - or if someone hugs you too tightly.  

With these two small developments in my physical body, I'm beginning to feel less human and more -- terminator.  I'm starting, also to feel "weird."  Weird as in, I'm making people around me feel weird... like they don't know what to say, or what to do, or how they are supposed to act.  

Please let me say, there is nothing right or wrong that you can say.  There is nothing right or wrong that you can do.  I am convinced that I am in this place for a reason - there is a a purpose. I am just happy that you want to journey along :)

It occurred to me this morning as I was reading, that so much of my life has been dependent on what I could do - how well I could do it -- how much I could get done -- how many tasks I could check off my list.  My body is now feeling broken, and I am realizing more and more that my strength, my hope, my comfort, my peace... it comes from a great and powerful God, and is not dependent on my to-do list, my house keeping schedule, my ability to run farther and faster than my shadow.

Psalm 20 is my prayer today - I hope it encourages you, too, whether you're feeling less human, or just less than enough...

"May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.  May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.  May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans success.  
We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.  May the lord grant all your requests.

Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand.  Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm!"  Psalm 20:1-8


Only By His Grace,

Billie