When all you can do is stand...

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, and against powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the dvid day, and having done everything, to stand firm." Eph 6:12, 13

I need to remind myself of this scripture right now.  "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood..."  Right now, I feel like my struggle is absolutely against flesh and blood.  

Can I be extremely honest?  I am tired!  I am tired of not sleeping.  I am tired of the constant pain.  I am tired of the never-ending doctor appointments, and I am tired of the new routine.

Ok.  Enough whining.  I cannot say that in all of this that I believe this to be a spiritual struggle.  I don't believe I've been cursed.  I don't believe I've been forsaken.  I don't believe I've been abandoned.  I simply believe I'm tired.

So, although this really a battle against flesh and blood in the literal sense, if I do not guard my heart, it could very easily become a spiritual battle of the heart and mind.

Matthew Henry said, "Spiritual strength and courage are needed for our spiritual warfare and suffering."  Spiritual strength and courage are needed for spiritual warfare, but also for suffering.  Interesting. If we look at suffering on a physical level why would we need spiritual strength and courage to get through it?  Because the enemy would love to see us discouraged.  He would love to see us feel abandoned.  He would love to see us lose hope.  Because if we lose hope, then we've lost sight of the God of hope.

I have been in an enormous amount of pain in my hip and leg since my surgery.  Last night I slept in intervals, just as I have every night since I've been home.  I slept from 10:00 - 11:30, from 12:15 - 1:30, from 2:00 to 3:15, from 4:00 - 4:30, 5:00 - 5:45 at which time I gave up and got up for my shower.  My body and my mind are exhausted.  Every little thing is bringing me to tears, and I know that it's just fatigue.  

Yesterday they removed my permanent catheter.  This means I start cathing myself through my stoma.  Only, it's not easy-peasy the first couple of times.  In fact, there have been a couple of times I just couldn't get the catheter in.  It's frustrating...and scary.  And compound that with the stress of sleep deprivation and you end up with a hysterical Billie on your hands.

My one defense in it all has been prayer.  Every time I get overwhelmed in the night over loss of sleep, or pain in my leg I pray.  Every time I can't get my catheter inserted, I stop, take a deep breath and pray.  

This battle may be a physical one, but that doesn't mean I can't fight it on a spiritual level.    "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

Sometimes when we reach the end of our rope, our wit's end, the last straw, all we can do is stand.  I believe God still has a plan for me in all of this.  And I believe that even in my hip pain, whether it is nerve related, or SI joint, or L5 S1... I believe he will work all of this out for my good.

In the meantime, having done all I can do to stand...I will stand!

Only By His Grace,

Billie