One month ago...

One month ago today I had surgery.  It's hard to believe it's been a month - and some times it's hard to believe it's only been a month.

I'm having no complications from the bladder removal, reconstruction, catheterizing, or irrigating.  I'm climbing stairs, doing small loads of laundry, and driving.  

Of course, there is the small irritation of the pain in my left leg, but even that is being reconciled with the help of a dear, dear friend.  

I am learning tricks to get me through the day, sitting when I need to sit, standing when I need to stand and praying for mercy every step of the way.

I have said it over again and again, and continue to declare it today. This cancer journey has been a blessing to me.  I heard a story this morning that went something like this:  "There was a film crew filming a movie in the desert.  Suddenly a sand storm came up with fury.  The director began to pray that the storm would cease and stop so they could continue with their work.  But the storm did not stop.  He prayed again and again that God would calm the storm.  But He did not.  The next morning, the film maker went outside to see the damage the sand storm had caused.  What he saw was a field of land mines the storm had uncovered.  The land mines were directly in their path.  God didn't give him what he wanted because he was giving him what he needed."

So many times during this journey I have prayed for things that I never saw.  Later, I would find that what I prayed for was what I wanted, but God had other plans to give me what I needed.  

This journey has taught me to trust him in a way I never dreamed I could.  This journey has taught me to submit to his authority and forsake my own will, in a way I never dreamed imaginable.  This journey has brought healing to areas of my life I thought were shattered beyond repair.

So, like the film maker, although I have prayed prayers that seemingly went unanswered, God was faithful to provide what I needed instead of what I wanted.  Like the psalmist, I too can say without question, "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees."  Ps 119:71

I have learned to trust him.
I have learned to lean into him.
I have learned to believe his word.
I have learned that He is faithful.
I have learned that He is my healer.
I have learned that He is my shield and protector.
I have learned that He really will never leave me or forsake me.

I have learned about his holiness, and I stand in awe that one so great would care for one like me.  For that I am thankful.  I am thankful for the affliction that caused me to grow in a grace I didn't know or understand.  I am thankful for the affliction that grew my character and bestowed on me the gift of patience and faith.  I am thankful that He did not calm my storm in the ways I asked him to, because he knew I needed to weather the storm.  God is faithful to provide us with what He sees we need, even when he has to do it by giving us what we do not want.


Only By His Grace,

Billie