The ugly truth:
The ugly truth is that I'm not always strong. The ugly truth is that sometimes I reach the end of my rope. The ugly truth is that sometimes the pain is too much for me to bear. The ugly truth is that I grow frustrated when I cannot escape the unceasing ache of nerve damage and the ugly truth is that I cry real tears.
That has been the ugly truth of the past twenty-four hours. I would like to blame all of this on sleep-deprivation. It has been three weeks since I've slept an entire night. I would like to blame this on my own oversight. Although my pain medication says take 1-2 tablets every four hours as needed for pain, I've only been taking 1/2 of one tablet every four hours as needed for pain. And although I'd like to blame all of this on something...anything...there really is nothing to blame. It is simply just the way things are right now.
The ugly truth is that I am in pain. It radiates from the nerve damage in my hip. Therefore my hip aches, my leg aches, my calf aches and my ankle aches. My foot is still numb and my toes still feel an electric shock with the slightest touch. I don't have good balance because I can't feel my toes against the floor. Because I don't have good balance my ankle hurts from overcompensation. My calf muscle is tight and my hamstring is tighter.
Lying down is painful, sitting up is painful, walking is an atrocious sight, and standing for any length of time is excruciating. I want to sleep to escape the nagging pain, but I cannot sleep because of the constant ache.
Yesterday, I was at my wit's end with all of it. Finally, I just broke down and cried.
That, is the ugly truth.
A perfect promise:
The writer of Lamentations said this, "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me." Lamentations 3:19-20. I can relate to this right now. I have come so far, and the Lord has overcome so much for me - that to have this little thing be the thing that takes me down is so very frustrating. Like the writer of Lamentations, I remember my affliction and my soul is downcast within me.
However, he goes on to say, "Yet this I will call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' "
When I awoke this morning, I could hear the gentle sound of the steady rain, the chirping of the birds and the low rumble of a distant thunder. Even in the physical pain, I am not consumed. I am thankful that his mercies are new every morning. The pain I had yesterday is gone. The strength God is giving me to handle it today is new and fresh. I may still end up in tears from time to time. I may walk around in a drug-induced state from the pain meds. But even that cannot negate the power of God's mercy.
Because of the Lord's great love, the ugly truth of this pain will not consume me because his compassions never fail. He is my portion and I will wait for him!
Only By His Grace,
Billie
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