March 14...my last chemo treatment

I want to say this has been a long road - a journey I never thought I'd take - and I feel a little like Froto of The Shire.  I wish this task had never come to me, but it has.  It is mine, my own. From the beginning I've said, "I do not understand this path. I would not have chosen this path, but if God in His sovereignty has chosen it for me, I will walk it with as much grace as I possibly can."

Today is my last chemo treatment and I feel relieved.  Part one of this journey is coming to an end and I can look forward to the days ahead, to part two of the journey, and then to recovery.  I am blessed that these last few weeks have been easier than expected.  I have not been nauseous unto death, I have not been utterly fatigued, I have not been confined to my bed, or recliner or sofa.  

My heart and prayers are with all of the people I have met along this path.  Those at the treatment center who have been going for years and those who are just beginning their own journeys.  I know that God is faithful and He will sustain them.

Throughout this journey I have learned many things about myself, not all of them good.  I am impatient.  I am doubtful.  I am demanding.  I am skeptical and I am weak.  

I have learned, as well, that God is patient.  God is faithful.  God is merciful.  God is gracious and He is strong. He is everything that I am not.  Which causes me to rely fully on and trust solely in Him.

I've been drawn to the story of Jonah.  Even in Jonah's resistance, his rebellion and his sour attitude God continued to show mercy to him and to teach him about himself. 

Five times in the book of Jonah we find that God sent or prepared a circumstance to get his attention.  Jonah 1:4, the Lord sent a storm. Jonah 1:15, the seamen through him overboard into the raging sea.  Jonah 1:17, God prepared a great fish to swallow him up.  Jonah 4:6, God prepared a vine for shade and protection and Jonah 4:7-9, God sent a worm to destroy the vine.  

God will use whatever circumstances he must in order to get our attention.  Like Jonah, sometimes I don't learn the first time, so he has to keep sending more circumstances and more circumstances and more circumstances until I finally just stop and listen.  Just like with Jonah, God has been faithful and patient to keep showing me myself...and to help remove from me all that I don't need.

As we face this journey we are on now I can look back with a thankful heart at all of my circumstances because they are drawing me to him.  God is sovereign over both the blessings and the curses.

How we respond to them is up to us.  We can moan and complain or we can trust and obey.  I know it's difficult sometimes.  The one thing that has kept me going has been one pastor's declaration, "The trials we face are not attacks against us, but rather attacks against God's glory."  How we respond to our trials, no matter what the circumstance, will either bring God glory or it will not.  

When my hair started thinning I battled between shaving it and being bald, or wearing a wig.  For me the choice was easy.  I chose to leave my thinning hair and wear a wig.  Not because of pride, as some have accused, but rather because I wanted to bring glory to God.  When others looked at me, I wanted them not to see my cancer, but to see the hope that I had.  I realize that is not every cancer patient's choice.  I'm saying that it was my choice.  

At the end of my first four rounds of treatments I thought I was done.  My oncologist wanted to continue a few more rounds.  My heart was broken.  I couldn't even imagine more treatments.  I couldn't think about it. I couldn't talk about it.  I reached a low point where I decided if I had to continue more treatments that made me sick, tired and wasted, that I was done.  I had reached my wit's end.  

But the very day I had to meet with my oncologist to discuss more treatments I had a quick stop to make.  During that stop I talked to a couple of women who shared with me that they read this blog, that they share it with loved ones.  To them, it probably wasn't a big deal, but to me it was a game changer.  I left that appointment with a change in my heart.  I realized that as difficult as this path was, God was using it beyond what I could see or imagine.  As I walked down the sidewalk to my car I decided that if this was the path God intended for me to walk so that He could gain glory, then I would continue to walk it - even though it was extremely hard and my flesh couldn't imagine one more step.  

My oncologist decided to discontinue the chemo drug that was making me so sick and for that I am thankful for God's mercy.  But I know that somehow I would have found the strength to continue, because it was His sovereign choice for me. 

As I finish this last treatment today I don't want to stop giving God glory for this journey.  I have a long road ahead and many months of recovery and in every minute, on every day He will continue to be faithful and He will continue to be sovereign - even when I cannot see. 

I am thankful that He has allowed me to walk this path every single day and every single minute because it has proven to me, again and again his faithfulness.  I can trust Him more because I know he will sustain me throughout the rest.

I continue on saying, "If this is the path you have for me, I will walk it with as much grace and I possibly can."

I will go through the valley, if you want me to... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVYRc7LtvUA


Only By His Grace,

Billie